Monday, 20 February 2017

That Interview for The The Rangers Manager’s Job In Full.

The CANDIDATE is welcomed into the room by RANGERS DIRECTORS - and a Computer screen.

RANGERS DIRECTOR ONE – Thanks for turning up at short notice. Sit down, pal.
CANDIDATE – Who are you guys?
DIRECTOR ONE – Us? We are the people. Our management team have just resigned.
CANDIDATE – Wow, what did they say?
(THE DIRECTORS exchange glances)
DIRECTOR ONE – Well, nothing.
(THE DIRECTORS laugh among themselves)
DIRECTOR ONE – See, they don’t know they’ve resigned yet.
(Laughter is heard from the computer screen)
CANDIDATE – But don’t you have a letter of resignation.
CANDIDATE – What did it say?
DIRECTOR ONE – Dunno. We’re still writing it.
DISEMBODIED VOICE – Never mind about them. They’ll be history, I mean are history. So, are you up for the job?
CANDIDATE – Of course.
DIEMBODIED VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER – What’s your qualifications?
CANDIDATE – For the avoidance of doubt I don’t do walking away from the Dunkirk spirit, being a real Rangers man and I want to manage the stadium that John Brown played for and I think The Billy Boys is a great song and I’m up to my knees in EBTs. (CANDIDATE nudges and winks). And when you meet me in person I can shake your hand. (CANDIDATE nudges and winks some more).
DISEMBODIED VOICE - That might not happen anytime soon. Much as I am loyal to Her Majesty, it may be some time before I can enter her jurisdiction again. So I might be a bit ethereal for the time being, a bit like our club. (DISEMBODIED VOICE laughs).
CANDIDATE – I’m just glad to have the opportunity because I thought you might have asked Ally McCoist to come back.
DIRECTOR ONE –Not until he can show us that he’s put his gardening leave to proper loyal use.
CANDIDATE – How do you mean?
DIRECTOR ONE – Until he can get grass to grow blue instead of green he’s no welcome.
DISEMBODIED VOICE -  But, seeing as we can’t afford to water our pitch, our grass will soon be turning dustbowl orange, which is some compensation, I suppose.
(DIRECTORS nod in agreement)
CANDIDATE – I’m not greedy, but what’s the dough?
DIRECTOR ONE – Did you not see the ad we put out? Here it is: 

DO you want to serve in the Sevco Management team, as a conduit for fans frustration with the board, on match days?
If you’re excommunicated and/or have a staunch commitment to Dunkirk we want to hear from you.
We are looking for a Volunteer (ideally on ceasefire) to assist the club around the dressing room and act as a match day conduit for supporters anger and frustration, pro-actively assuming blame for any issues that our fans may face.
Successful candidate will be a Sevco supporter and so will be able to drink like those that they’ll be helping. Volunteer will have a Halloween personality and be genuinely able to help supporters remain blind from what the board is really up to. He’ll be passionately excommunicated – and love to talk shite.
The target is 55.
If your IQ is over 18 and think you’ve got whatever it takes email explaining why you would make the perfect foil for the club.
CANDIDATE – I thought that that ad was just for Stewards?  Surely there’s at least some pay?'
THE DIRECTORS – Thank you, Mr Souness. Better luck next time.

No comments:

Post a Comment