That Interview for The The Rangers Manager’s Job In Full.

The CANDIDATE is welcomed into the room by RANGERS DIRECTORS - and a Computer screen.

RANGERS DIRECTOR ONE – Thanks for turning up at short notice. Sit down, pal.

CANDIDATE – Who are you guys?

DIRECTOR ONE – Us? We are the people. Our management team have just resigned.

CANDIDATE – Wow, what did they say?

(THE DIRECTORS exchange glances)

DIRECTOR ONE – Well, nothing.

(THE DIRECTORS laugh among themselves)

DIRECTOR ONE – See, they don’t know they’ve resigned yet.

(Laughter is heard from the computer screen)

CANDIDATE – But don’t you have a letter of resignation.

DIRECTOR ONE – Aye.

CANDIDATE – What did it say?

DIRECTOR ONE – Dunno. We’re still writing it.

DISEMBODIED VOICE – Never mind about them. They’ll be history, I mean are history. So, are you up for the job?

CANDIDATE – Of course.

DIEMBODIED VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER – What’s your qualifications?

CANDIDATE – For the avoidance of doubt I don’t do walking away from the Dunkirk spirit, being a real Rangers man and I want to manage the stadium that John Brown played for and I think The Billy Boys is a great song and I’m up to my knees in EBTs. (CANDIDATE nudges and winks). And when you meet me in person I can shake your hand. (CANDIDATE nudges and winks some more).

DISEMBODIED VOICE - That might not happen anytime soon. Much as I am loyal to Her Majesty, it may be some time before I can enter her jurisdiction again. So I might be a bit ethereal for the time being, a bit like our club. (DISEMBODIED VOICE laughs).

CANDIDATE – I’m just glad to have the opportunity because I thought you might have asked Ally McCoist to come back.

DIRECTOR ONE –Not until he can show us that he’s put his gardening leave to proper loyal use.

CANDIDATE – How do you mean?

DIRECTOR ONE – Until he can get grass to grow blue instead of green he’s no welcome.

DISEMBODIED VOICE -  But, seeing as we can’t afford to water our pitch, our grass will soon be turning dustbowl orange, which is some compensation, I suppose.

(DIRECTORS nod in agreement)

CANDIDATE – I’m not greedy, but what’s the dough?

THE DIRECTORS, IN UNISON  - NOT WARBUTTONS!

(THE DIRECTORS LAUGH)

DIRECTOR ONE – Did you not see the ad we put out? Here it is: 

DO you want to serve in the Sevco Management team, as a conduit for fans frustration with the board, on match days?

If you’re excommunicated and/or have a staunch commitment to Dunkirk we want to hear from you.

We are looking for a Volunteer (ideally on ceasefire) to assist the club around the dressing room and act as a match day conduit for supporters anger and frustration, pro-actively assuming blame for any issues that our fans may face.

Successful candidate will be a Sevco supporter and so will be able to drink like those that they’ll be helping. Volunteer will have a Halloween personality and be genuinely able to help supporters remain blind from what the board is really up to. He’ll be passionately excommunicated – and love to talk shite.

The target is 55.

If your IQ is over 18 and think you’ve got whatever it takes email onthemake@sevco.co.uk explaining why you would make the perfect foil for the club.

CANDIDATE – I thought that that ad was just for Stewards?  Surely there’s at least some pay?'

THE DIRECTORS – Thank you, Mr Souness. Better luck next time.